Foster Healthy Connection: Resiliency Habit #7

Written By Cam Taylor

This is the seventh habit in a series on resiliency habits that will help carry you when walking against the strong winds that with any loss or season of adversity in your life.

In case you missed the previous six habits, they are:

Now let’s turn to habit number seven — foster healthy connections

Will You Go it Alone or With Others?

You have two options in your relational world — go it alone or go with others.

When you go it alone, you hold everything in, don’t ask for help, try to make it on your own, keep the pain inside, don’t share your story, hold on to your hurt, and believe no one understands or cares.

When you go with others, you ask for help, let survivors tell you their story, let go of your bitterness by confessing it to God and others, offer forgiveness, seek counsel, admit you can’t do it on your own, get honest with how you feel, and commit to doing things differently.

The result of option one will movement in a downward direction. The result of option two will be steady improvement.

The Four Corners We Can Choose to Live In

A helpful way to frame your relationships is to differentiate between healthy and unhealthy connections. There are four corners or types of connections you can pursue. Your choice will take you either towards healthy connection or away from it. These insights come from Henry Cloud in his book, The Power of the Other.

The four corners give four perspectives on the kind of people we surround ourselves with. It matters who is in our corner and makes all the difference.

Our thriving in every area of life largely depends on the connections and the dynamics of the kinds of people we surround ourselves with. — Henry Cloud

1. The corner of disconnection

In this corner you are isolated and alone with no meaningful connection with people. Solitude that feeds you is not what I’m talking about.

I’ve known the feeling of disconnection when going through the deep water of loss as well as while spending months stuck at home recovering. Feeling disconnected without connection does not serve you well.

2. The corner of bad connection

In this corner, the relationships are toxic and damaging. In this corner people put you down, do not believe in you, and don’t support you to be your best. When grieving, this corner is where people tell you to get over it or minimize how you feel.

You can’t avoid toxic people entirely but you can be aware of the depleting effect they have on you and learn to shore up your life with the right kind of connections.

3. The corner of pseudo-good connection

In this corner, the connection is short lived and artificial. Satisfaction in this corner may come from addictive behaviors or an over-dependence on outside stimulus like good performance or positive strokes.

I’ve put far too much stock in my performance throughout my life at the expense of healthy connection and saw my resilience and grit suffer.

4. True connection

In this corner, people bring out the best in you, challenge you, and believe that growth is possible.

True connection supported me through some of my darkest moments. People who are in this circle of true connection don’t coddle or minimize your reality but walk with you in courage in the direction you need to go.

Three Journal Prompts to Help You Reflect on Your Connections

1. Have you experienced anything in the last six months you would describe as a "red lights on the dashboard of life" condition?

[Red light example could include: burnout, loss, low motivation, anxiety or stress, depression, an addiction, and sleep problems.] Write down any red lights you see.

2. Who can you be 100% honest and vulnerable with to discuss your struggle or weakness? Write down their names.

3. What are the benefits of genuine connection you have experienced in the past you can think about to help motivate you to take action?

Now if the time is right, reach out and connect with one of the people you mentioned in number two to tell your story to and receive support from.

Quotes to Ponder

I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship. — Brene Brown

Social connection is such a basic feature of human experience that when we are deprived of it, we suffer. — Leonard Mlodinow

Check out my new book:
Unlocking the Mystery of Grief

Cam Taylor
Next

Practice Self-Care: Resiliency Habit #6