The Value of Normalizing Suffering: Resiliency Habit #4
Your habits shape your life. If you build habits of resiliency, the shape you’ll get you’ll be glad you went after.
In this series on resiliency habits, I’ve talked about the habit of a growth mindset, practicing gratitude, and tempered optimism. In this lesson, I want to talk about how important it is to normalize suffering.
People’s default attitude towards pain is avoidance. The popular belief is, “Pain and suffering are bad. Do not accept it as part of any normal existence but see it as unfair and an unwelcome guest.”
Resilient people have a different attitude towards pain and suffering. Instead of being surprised by suffering, they expect it as part of the human experience.
They don’t go looking for pain and suffering, but when it comes, they sit with it, hold it, and learn from it. The question is how? Let me give you four ways to normalize suffering.
Four Surprising Ways to Normalize Suffering
1. See pain (most of the time) as your friend, not your enemy
Pain can be a warning signal that something is wrong. For example, people with leprosy have pain sensors that fail to function. The result? Lost fingers due to hot stoves they don’t feel and bed sores due to the failure to roll over while sleeping.
When you have overworked a muscle, injured your wrist, or lost someone dear to you, pain says, “Pay attention! Stop and deal with what just happened. Don’t ignore me.”
2. Realize pain and growth are partners with you on your growth journey
I was reflecting this week with some friends on how much I learned while navigating my three year recovery journey after my motorcycle accident. The pain and suffering were intense at times but looking back, I did become more empathetic, patient, and grateful for the gifts I had.
You don’t always see the growth when you’re in it but if you lean into your pain, you will be able to look back and notice the growth that accompanied your journey of suffering.
3. Embrace suffering as the pathway to peace
In the Serenity Prayer, there’s a line that says, “Accepting hardship, as the pathway to peace.” It took me a while to understand what that meant but I think I figured it out, at least for me.
During times of hardship, peace comes when you go through hardship and eventually accept it. I experienced this while grieving Vicky’s death. I let myself feel the deep sadness and pain and over time came to accept her loss and with it a peace I couldn’t understand.
4. Recognize the connection between your pain sensors and your pleasure sensors
When you numb your pain through pain medicine or other means, you also numb your pleasure sensors. Numbing pain can be necessary and legitimate for certain periods of our lives but eventually your pain needs to be felt if you also want to open the door to be with pleasure.
You miss out on pleasure when you run from your suffering and make it your mission to feel no pain. Allowing yourself to feel your pain (the ache for a lost loved one, the disappointment from a failed relationship, the physical pain from a broken body) creates the possibility you will also experience pleasure and joy.
Reflection Questions
What is your current view of suffering compared to what you’ve just read?
When have you been unwilling to embrace pain and suffering? What was the result?
What suffering do you need to “be with” today?
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Unlocking the Mystery of Grief
