How to Hold Grief and Life at the Same Time

You give yourself a gift when you are able to embrace life while still grieving. It might start small, first over time will grow stronger.

It feels like a contradiction at first but eventually you start to realize that it can become a reality.

The longer we have been grieving a loss, the harder it is to start living again. This is one of the reasons why I wholeheartedly believe we must invite life and grief to walk hand in hand. If life doesn’t escort grief back to joy, then it takes us much longer to get there, if we ever do. — Christina Rasmussen

The question now is “How do you hold the hand of life while holding the hand of grief?” Here are a few ways I learned to stand between these two seemingly contrasting realities.

How to Hold the Hand of Grief and Life at the Same Time

1. Be Present Where You Are

The path to the hand holding that is represented by the partnership of grief and life becomes possible when you are fully aware of where you are and the choice to stand in the place called “here.”

At first, you learn to wait before you learn to walk.

After Vicky died, I remember waiting for time to pass and was overwhelmed by a feeling of being stuck in my grief.

In the waiting, I coined some phrased to describe that feeling. My words included phrases like: “loneliness hotel,” “social isolation,” “boredom buddy,” and “Why can’t I get anything done?”

While present where I was, I didn’t judge my thoughts or feelings. I simply recorded them and did what I could to process what was happening while I waited.

Grief and life were beginning to walk hand in hand.

2. Step back and reflect on your feelings while grieving

While in that place called “here,” I stepped back and gave more descriptive words and language to my feelings. I was exhausted but found a comfortable chair and as best as I could, sat and wrote what came to mind. It wasn’t something another person could do for me but what I needed to do for myself.

I asked myself a few questions and let the answers flow off my pen (here are some examples in italics).

• What am I feeling right now? My answer on one occasion: I feel alone, lethargic, and don’’t want to work today. I feel in a rut combined with complacency and indifference. I feel overwhelmed, lazy, and undisciplined.

• Where in my body are these feelings that I’m describing? I feel these feelings in my gut. My knees are stiff and sore. I feel tired in my eyes.

Grief and life were continuing to walk hand in hand.

3. Step back and observe your thoughts while grieving

After I spent time with my feelings, I switched gears and got rational. I focused on my thoughts and behaviors.

I asked myself a few questions and wrote down the answers (here are a few examples in italics).

• What are you doing now that you didn’t do before? I ride a single road bike instead of a tandem.

• When was the last time you laughed? Yesterday when I laughed at something my dog Max did.

• When was the last time you cried? Last Sunday while visiting with two friends.

• When was the last time you felt truly alive? What were you doing? Yesterday on a long bike ride.

• What part of you has been in control since your loss? The resilient part of me. I will continue to use the resiliency muscles I have built up over time.

Grief and life were learning to walk hand in hand.

Final Thoughts

…we must invite life and grief to walk hand in hand. If life doesn’t escort grief back to joy, then it takes us much longer to get there, if we ever do. — Christina Rasmussen

• What is your experience with holding onto the hand and grief and life at the same time?

• Who do you know who needs you to listen to their story as a way to support them to hold grief and life at the same time?