T.I.M.E to Grieve: The Problem of Guilt While Grieving
Welcome to my weekly update called T.I.M.E. to Grieve.
Each week, I pick a theme, share an idea on that theme, reflect on the deeper meaning, and give an exercise to help put it into practice. I trust you find it helpful for yourself or for a grieving person you are walking beside.
THEME
Grief mixed with guilt serves up a complicated shoulda-coulda outcome but doesn’t have to be the end of the story.
IDEA
Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion to death. — Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Guilt often lingers in the illusion that we could’ve changed the outcome — that if we had only done one more thing, it would have made a difference. — David Kessler
Releasing guilt means showing yourself compassion and accepting that you’re only human. It’s okay to let go of the what-ifs. — David Kessler
MEANING
In the mix of emotional reactions to loss, guilt can raise it’s ugly head and wreck havic while you grieve. It’s a heavy emotion and shows up with the tendency to replay the past with thoughts like, “I could have done more” or “Why them and not me?” or “How did I not see this coming?”
Guilt can sound very noble and loving because it comes from a place of wanting to have saved the person or changed the outcome of what happened.
The problem with guilt is that it traps us and turns our grief into self-judgment and blame.
When we let guilt dominate our thoughts and feelings while grieving we replay the past and have what’s called a hindsight bias. We become convinced we should have known better, done more, or seen the signs earlier.
The truth is, hindsight is always 20/20 and perfect clarity never happens when we’re in the middle of living our lives. We did the best we could with what we knew at the time.
How do we move forward and away from guilt’s grip? Let me share some ideas that I have found helpful in my own struggle with guilt.
You move forward when you…
Validate your feelings of guilt. It’s natural and not wrong to feel this way. Let yourself feel without shame.
Challenge the if onlys that are bombarding you. Sure you could have acted differently if you knew then what you know now, but you did the best you could with what you knew at the time.
Seek out connection. Find empathetic friends and witnesses who will listen to your story and the struggle you are having with guilt. Receive their support and get your story out.
Offer forgiveness to yourself. Guilt grows when you allow blame and self-judgment to take root. Have compassion on yourself and in time, the roots of guilt and bitterness will let go.
Hold on to the positive memories you had with the person you lost. Slowly the negative thoughts due to neglect lessen their grip.
Grief and guilt may never completely disappear but over time, guilt can soften into understanding and you have the chance to gain a new perspective. “Releasing guilt means showing yourself compassion and accepting that you’re only human” (David Kessler).
EXERCISE
Where have you seen guilt show up in your experiences of loss and grief?
What is one way you can reduce the grip guilt may have on your life?
