Grief is one of life’s most difficult teachers but it shows up uninvited after a loss, a death, a disappointment, or any unexpected change. It also doesn’t follow a predictable pattern or path.

What I’m learning, however, is that when we open up to what grief can teach us, it changes us for the better. Let me share six of the lessons I’ve learned while grieving and while mentoring and supporting those who grieve.

Six Key Lessons Learned From Grief

Lesson #1: We grieve because we have loved

Grief reminds us that we have had the privilege to love. Loving and being loved is one of life’s greatest gifts. Unfortunately, those we love and the things we love are sometimes taken from us. It hurts to lose those we love because of the special connection we had with them.

But consider the alternative. If you choose not to love because you want to avoid the pain of loss, you end up in the desert wasteland of loneliness. As for me, I’d rather love and deal with grief than not love at all.

Lesson #2: We are not in control

Sooner or later we will learn this lesson: You are not in control. It comes into full view when we experience unexpected loss and find ourselves thrown into the valley of grief.

The sooner we learn this lesson, however, the better. It sets us up for a more realistic expectation for how life will play out. It’s surrender that puts us in place where we can learn, grow, and find healing for our brokenness and pain.

Lesson #3: Having people who show up is more important than people who speak up

When you’re grieving, you learn very quickly how important it is to have people who simply show up without words. I call them — empathetic witnesses.

People who come into our lives and are content to sit with us are worth their weight in gold. They contrast the people who try to change the topic, fix us, or start their sentences with “At least…”

Lesson #4: Grief is a journey not a destination

There are no short cuts through grief. It’s not something you get over. Instead, grief is something you learn to travel with. Being on the journey teaches us patience for ourselves and for others.

Over time, the intensity of grief subsides but we never arrive to a place where it vanishes from our lives.

Lesson #5: The pain of grief can result in growth

Grief strips away so many things that are not as important as we thought they were. In that process we discover inner strength we didn’t know we had. Compassion can grow in us as well as clarity about what really matters.

Wisdom can be born in grief as we take what we know and combining it with our experience. We can grow softer in some ways and stronger in others.

Lesson #6: We learn we are not alone

The grief journey can be very lonely. What changes that reality is connection with others who are grieving. As you do that, you see both the uniquenesses of grief and the common traits you share with others.

I see this all the time in the grief groups I facilitate. People come into the room feeling like they are the only ones feeling the way they do. Then as they hear the stories of others and share their story, peace and hope emerges within them.

Reflection Questions

What lesson resonate with you?
What lesson have you learned or are learning that isn’t on the list?
What gets in the way of learning these life-changing lessons while grieving?

Check out my new book:
Unlocking the Mystery of Grief

Sex Key Lessons Learned from the Grief Journey