T.I.M.E to Grieve: Grief is Messy Not Linear
Welcome to the new format for my weekly update. I’m calling it: T.I.M.E. to Grieve.
Each week, I pick a theme, share an idea on that theme, reflect on the deeper meaning, and give an exercise to help put it into practice. I trust you find it helpful for yourself or for a grieving person you are walking beside.
THEME
Grief is messy and doesn’t unfold in a straight and predictable line.
IDEA
Grief is messy. And, it demands our attention. Grief does not follow a predictable route, and neither should you. There is no road map to follow. You need to find your own way through this. You need to follow your heart and trust your instincts. When your person dies, no one hands you a manual that explains how to handle the cruddy stuff that grief will throw at you. You learn by experience. And, by necessity, you become better at grief with practice. — Staci Sulin
MEANING
One grief road map you will find if you search for “grief models” is the Kubler-Ross five stages of grief model. To their credit, they never intended their idea to become a predictable pathway for everyone who is grieving. Unfortunately, some grief experts turned the five stages into a linear and normative pathway.
A better way to think of the process or pathway of grief is to identify the one thing everyone has in common: there has been a loss. Beyond that, grief is like a fingerprint. Everyone will grieve differently and in their own way.
David Kessler (who wrote On Grief and Grieving with Kubler-Ross) says, “We don’t have a broken head, we have a broken heart.” Because of that, the grief journey is a subjective experience that is messy and impacted by so many different factors.
Give yourself permission to find your unique pathway as you process your loss. If you are walking alongside a friend who is grieving, validate their grief and avoid prescribing the “right way” to grieve.
EXERCISE
What approach to grief have you heard is the “right” way to grieve?
How would you describe the grief journey in a way that values the uniqueness of the journey?
On a piece of paper, draw what the grief journey looks like. Add words as needed.
