T.I.M.E to Grieve: Grief is a Process of Learning

Welcome to my weekly update I’m calling T.I.M.E. to Grieve.

Each week, I pick a theme, share an idea on that theme, reflect on the deeper meaning, and give an exercise to help put it into practice. I trust you find it helpful for yourself or for a grieving person you are walking beside.

THEME

When you see grief as a process of learning, it opens the door to healing and hope.

IDEA

Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.

— Vicki Harrison

I’ve found it really useful to see grief as simply a process of learning. Sure, it’s probably the steepest learning curve you’ve ever been on, but grieving and learning to live wholeheartedly after loss is also a lot like the many other things that you’ve learned to do. And because I love learning, thinking of grieving as a process of learning helps me feel more resourceful and confident in my grief journey.

— Cath Duncan

MEANING

When you are met with loss and forced to deal with the waves of grief and pain that follow, the first thought you have is not…

“Wow, I get to go on a learning journey!”

It’s more likely,

“Why me?” or “I’m so lost right now,” or “It feels like I’m in a fog and can’t get out,” or “I have no idea how I’m going to get through this.”

The bad news about grief is that it’s incredibly hard to deal with. The good news is, with an openness to learning, you can find handles to hold on to when stumbling through the darkness.

When I found my life shattered in several pieces after my motorcycle accident, I was invited to enroll in TU (Trial University). It wasn’t the school I choose but it ended up being the school I had to attend if I was ever going to grow through this trying time. It taught me life giving awareness, perspective, knowledge, and the insights I needed to navigate the adversity and grief I was forced to deal with.

What does it look like to see grief as a “process of learning?” Let me give you three ways to think about and act with a learning posture while grieving.

First, approach your grief like a child learns how to walk — in stages. You see others walk, then you think, “I can do that too!” So you take your first step, fall down, but get up and try again. Eventually, you figure it out but not without tons of advice and encouragement by those around you.

Second, look for mentors, authors, friends, family members, empathetic witnesses who will teach you and show you how to grieve. As you watch and learn, imitate the people you see teaching you and in time innovate their grieving ways so they fit your situation.

Third, apply what you’re learning as soon as possible. When you do, you will grow a heart of wisdom. For the learning process to work, it must go from your head to your heart, to your feet and hands. When knowledge joins experience, wisdom is the fruit.

When you learn how to swim in the waters of grief, you will no longer feel like you’re drowning. Instead, those swimming skills will give you confidence and courage to keep going even in the face of incoming waves.

EXERCISE

• What is your experience with grief and learning?

• If you were to compare where you are in learning about grief and the stages of walking, where are you?

• List the mentors, books, friends, or people who have helped you. Is there anyone else you could add to that list?