Live Courageously in the Face of Fear
Not long after Vicky died, I faced the fear of forgetting her. With her out of sight, I was concerned that I would not be able to remember her. It both shocked me and scared me at the same time.
If you too have experienced bouts of fear, you’re not alone. It’s a normal response to loss and is triggered by thoughts and events like uncertainty, loss of control, loneliness and vulnerability.
After his wife died, C.S. Lewis wrote this…
No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing. - C.S. Lewis
Fear doesn’t need to be the last word but can be countered with courageous living that is anchored to some lessons I learned while grieving.
How to Live Courageously in the Face of Fear When Grieving
1. Realize that fear is often experienced after a loss
Fear is triggered by a host of symptoms: uncertainty, loss of control, isolation, the fear that more loss might be coming, and fear of your death or of someone you care about. Children who lose a parent, can become afraid they’ll lose their other parent.
How does it help to know that fear is normal? For one thing, it reminds you that you’re not alone which can calm you down just a little. A second way normalizing fear can be a reminder to yourself that says, “If others have gone through this like I am, surely someone has figured out how to deal with this!”
I realize that last idea is usually spoken by an optimistic but also a person with a growth mindset. You are not limited to what you know coming into a season of grief. You are capable of learning from others and not alone in dealing nor trying to figure out a pathway forward as a result.
See fear as normal after a loss and validate it whenever it surfaces.
2. Save your energy for legitimate fears or concerns
As hard as it is to be rationale after a loss, it has a significant upside if you can dial back the emotion long enough to do some thinking about your situation.
One of the ways to use your rational brain is the learn to use your FEAR detector to know if the fear you’re experiencing is true fear or false fear also described with the acronym F.E.A.R. (False Evidence Appearing Real). In this research, let’s talk about worry which so often shows up with fear.
The statistics say this about worry (which so often accompanies fear):
40% of what we worry about will never happen
30% of what we worry about involved past events we can’t change
12% of what we worry about includes the criticism from others
10% of what we worry about involves our health (which only gets worse when we worry)
8% of what we worry about involves real issues that have solutions
In light of those numbers, you might be worrying or afraid of something that isn’t even a real threat. If that’s true, it’s important to test assumptions so we can determine if the threat is in face real and worth worrying about.
You can test your assumptions by asking: “What’s an alternative explanation for the belief I have right now?”
Talk it through with a friend and see if they see it as a legitimate fear. Listen to their objective perspective and be open to re-framing your outlook. Talking about it gets it out in the open and allows you to look at how unrealistic it might just be.
3. Take small steps towards your fears and learn as you go
Here is some advice from psychologist and author Henry Cloud.
Try one new thing tomorrow that you have been wanting to do, but have been too afraid to do. Notice the fear did not kill you and then see what you learn. - Henry Cloud
I mentioned in my opening comments that early on in my grief I was struck by fear that I would forget about Vicky. It rattled me and seemed very real and not false evidence appearing real at all!
Instead of letting myself get more and more worked up over it, I decided to dance with the feelings for a while like I had learned to do with all the plethora of emotions I’d been experiencing. As time passed an amazing and comforting thing happened. I started to come to realize that the initial fear was false evidence appearing real.
It turned out that as time passed, the clearer and richer the memories got. I actually relaxed and with the memories came warm feelings, joy and peace.
On bike rides, I’d remember the good times we had riding our tandem. Visits to restaurants we went to together no longer were sad events but places where sweet memories came to mind.
Five Tips for Taming Your Fears and Increasing Your Courage
1. Practice the 54321 Mindfulness Trick
Name 5 things you see, 4 things you hear, 3 things you feel, 2 things you smell, and 1 thing you can taste. This activity will force your mind to be fully in the present and have a calming effect on your worries and fears.
2. Distract yourself
Watch a show you enjoy. Look at Facebook or Instagram for 15 minutes. Turn on all the lights. Read something you’re interested in. Watch comedy. Getting your mind off your worries can put your mind in neutral — the place from which you can choose a more positive perspective.
3. Move your body
Go for a walk, exercise, move to a different location. When I would get overwhelmed by worry or fear, something shifted when I moved. It got my mind out of the rut it was in.
4. Connect with a friend
When living alone after Vicky died, loneliness would creep up on me. By itself, loneliness is simply a message that told me “You need to connect.” When I heeded that message and reached out to a friend, my mood lifted and I felt so much better.
5. Get professional help
If your fears and anxieties are so strong you can hardly cope, it may be time for you to speak to a counselor or your doctor. There is no shame in asking for help. I have reached out for help myself and it’s helped me from getting stuck in an anxious and scary place.
Reflection Questions
What fears or anxieties are you dealing with?
Which of your fears are real and which fears only appear real?
Of the five tips, which one do you need to put into practice today?
